Even if regulators ease up, housing prices jump and lawmakers solve the "fiscal cliff" mess by Christmas week, bankers will still have to contend with the biggest threat yet to their industry: holiday music.
Fake news outlet The Onion reported this week that financial markets are reeling after news broke that John Travolta and Olivia Newton-John have teamed up to release a Christmas album.
"The Dow Jones Industrial Average plummeted more than 2,000 points on news the former Grease stars had reunited after 35 years and recorded" This Christmas, an "the album of 13 Christmas favorites now available in stores," the satirical paper said.
Banks were particularly hurt by the album's slate of guest artists, the paper added.
"News that saxophonist Kenny G and singer Barbra Streisand make guest appearances on consecutive tracks spurred widespread bank runs, forcing more than 2,000 institutions into insolvency," the paper said.
Ultimately, the turmoil forced the Federal Reserve Board to once again come to the industry's aid.
"Urging calm among panicked investors, Chairman Ben Bernanke announced the Federal Reserve would slash interest rates and inject $700 billion in emergency liquidity into the financial system to free up credit markets that have become paralyzed on rumors that Travolta and Newton-John may support their release with live performances," the report said.