Just A Matter Of Time Before Hula Bowl Is The CU-la Bowl

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The scene: the 2005 college football Hula Bowl in Maui, Hawaii, on Jan. 22.

The scenario: CUNA, on behalf of "America's Credit Unions," has reached an agreement to be a primary sponsor of the Hula Bowl. The deal includes on-field logos, patches on players uniforms, and up to eight TV spots, and plugs from the sportscasters (see story, page 11). But as we reveal here, the game's play-by-play will reveal just how involved credit unions intend to be in the broadcast.

Ancr: #1: Welcome to ESPN2's broadcast of the Hula Bowl, brought to you by America's Credit Unions. We're pleased you're able to join us, as I am pleased to have former fullback Bobby 'Bulldozer' Davis here to offer color commentary. Bulldozer, we were all saddened to see your career forced to a close by those multiple concussions and a steroids investigation, but we're happy you're here now."

Bulldozer: Does anyone else hear that? Would someone answer the phone?

Ancr: #1: Umm, you were always the kidder, Bulldozer. We're set for the kick off-excuse me, the Big Savings With Credit Unions Kick-off. The college all-stars from the East Team will be kicking from your left to right to the college all-stars of the West.

Bulldozer: And whether you're in the East or West, you can always find a credit union shared branch at which to conduct your business...Did I read that right? Did I just say that on the air?

Ancr: #1: Umm, well, I can see it's going to be four quarters of laughs with the Dozer.

Bulldozer: And speaking of four quarters, that's almost a dollar. And your dollar will earn more interest at a credit union.

Ancr: #1: The kick-off is deep into the endzone and that Western team kick returner will wisely take a knee. And that reminds me: do you often find yourself on your knees begging a higher power to help you get out from under your high-interest-rate credit cards? Well, your prayers have been answered with the low APRs offered on credit cards by credit unions. Now, back to the game and a little surprise we've been saving for all of our viewers. Today's NCAA officials have been replaced by NCUA officials. That's right! Instead of college football officials officiating today's game, the calls will be made by a team made up of examiners from a regulatory agency responsible for monitoring the health of America's credit unions! It's another first on ESPN2!

Bulldozer: And speaking as a former athlete who attended college on a football scholarship, I, like most of the players in today's game, never even noticed. NCAA and NCUA are not just really big words, but they also look a lot alike.

Ancr: #1: And our first play from scrimmage is a hand-off to the right side that is smothered...

Bulldozer: Like payday lenders on a new soldier with his first paycheck...Like kids on the sugary lollipops in the lobby...Like directors on a pile of free golf balls...Like...

Ancr: #1: Thanks, Dozer. I see you spent some time with our friends from America's credit unions back in Madison, Wisconsin.

Bulldozer: That's back in the United States.

Ancr: #1: Oookay. Facing second and 14, the Western team is coming up to the line of scrimmage...Wait a minute. Our NCUA officials are throwing flags. Wait. Those aren't flags. What are those? Let's go down to the field where our own Bambi Jones is on-hand to show this network's commitment to diversified hiring and to give us an explanation.

Bambi: Apparently, the Western All-Stars have just been hit with a bunch of prohibition orders. Without admitting or denying guilt, several of the players are leaving the game to consult with attorneys on the sidelines. But here come their replacements.

Bulldozer: Seeing Bambi reminds me of the meeting we had about not making any "lei" jokes.

Ancr: #1: And we're not going to. The playclock has started, the quarterback is dropping back and he's looking deep right away. He lets it fly. Whoa! Look at that. The defensive back just tackled the receiver far downfield before the receiver could make the catch and score what would have been a touchdown. Why are there no flags? That has to be a penalty! Why are there no officials following the play?

Bulldozer: I had a chance to meet with some of the NCUA officials before the game. They told me they're better conditioned for sitting, the field is slippery in wingtips, plus, they're all carrying those laptops.

Ancr: #1: The coach is throwing out the red flag demanding a review by replay. He must have forgotten that with NCUA there is no replay. The team's are lining up again and again it's a pass play. The receiver is wide open but the quarterback's throw is well short-or as we like to say today, that receiver was underserved. Now the punter's in. He gets away a good, high kick...

Bulldozer: Higher than the APRs you see on some of those bank credit cards, higher than the fees on many bank checking accounts, higher than the drink tab when those ABA executives get together to whine about credit unions helping the middle class...

Ancr: #1: Remind me to have a talk with our credit union sponsor.

Frank J. Diekmann is Editor of The Credit Union Journal and can be reached at fdiekmann cujournal.com.

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