The couple was at a tense standoff over their finances and their future.
The husband liked to spend casually, confident that his position as owner of a successful architecture firm would keep the money coming in. The wife thought purchases and other financial decisions needed to be carefully plotted, and that all his spending was a threat to their well-being.
They went to Bhaj Townsend, who specializes in financial behavioral counseling, for help.
Townsend, the founder and president of Focus & Sustain LLC, a financial coaching firm in Kirkland, Wash., could see that the stakes were high for the couple. They were nearing retirement and the impasse had paralyzed them on a number of vital decisions, including how much to spend on remodeling a second home and whether to sell the husband's company and retire.
Townsend said she believed they needed to step back and identify a set of shared values that would allow them to break the deadlock and reach a consensus about their financial future.
She held several meetings to help each of them acknowledge the underlying causes of their money behavior. Over several months, Townsend learned that the wife's anxiety around spending was rooted in childhood experience. "Her older siblings had been sent to expensive private schools and enjoyed many of the privileges of a wealthy upbringing," Townsend said. "But when it was her turn, the parents suddenly decided they were living beyond their means and turned the money faucet off."
"It was a huge step for the wife to acknowledge that some of her anxiety might be a reaction to her past," Townsend said. "But it was also important for the husband to recognize that not all of her fears were groundless."
The husband had recently ordered a remodeling of their second home without consulting with his wife. She was worried that the job would wind up stratospherically over budget, while he didn't want that anxiety to ruin what he saw as an important component of their retirement plan and family legacy.
Townsend posed a question: What was the main purpose of the second home? Both spouses said it was a place where the extended family could enjoy time together and part of their intended legacy. When they recognized that they agreed on the fundamentals, it became easier to agree on the details, and the remodeling was wrapped up under budget.
Next, Townsend addressed the question of whether the husband should sell his architectural firm, ultimately suggesting he could still practice even if he didn't own the firm; he decided to sell his business and began planning to create a foundation centered on sustainable environmental building practices in urban settings.
"If you get at what someone's underlying values are, the right choices become more obvious," Townsend said.
