T'was the week before Christmas,
And in every bank
The staff was considering
Whom all they should thank.
Of course, as they started
Preparing the list
They thought of the people
Who wouldn't be missed.
At the top were the lobbyists,
Who fight with endurance
Protecting the turf of those
Selling insurance,
And consumer activists
such as Ralph Nader,
Who call banks an evil
The likes of Darth Vader.
(They're the folks who feel bankers
Are just in the way,
So their assets should be packaged
And given away.)
And the banks found some new folks
With whom they must deal,
Like Alfonse D'Amato,
The Senate's big wheel.
And they had to cut fear
With some mighty sharp wedges
To prove that derivatives
Could just be sound hedges.
'Cause the public blamed banking
For igniting the fuel,
When the fault lies with gamblers
Abusing this tool.
But most news was good news,
It had to be said -
Like the soft steps of Greenspan,
The head of the Fed.
And then there were triumphs
It's easy to see,
Like bank equities soaring
And a rising P/E
And all through the nation
The banks clapped their hands
As the FDIC
Cut assessment demands.
And some banks made shareholders
A most happy flock
As they sold out at over
Twice book for the stock
(Of course no one noticed,
As the new stock they took,
That th'acquirer had also
Been priced at twice book.)
And community bankers
Had reason to cheer
As the merger of banks
Kept on right through the year,
'Cause the public was looking
For plain folks, like Truman,
And would switch to a bank
Where you'd still see a human.
So they moved to the banks
That were personally run -
Where your call would be answered,
"Hello," not "Push One."
And the threats of demise
Made the bankers just snore,
And they said of the fears,
"Why, we've seen this before."
So the lists to be thanked
Just grew row after row,
And banks face '96
Raring to go.
And a personal wish:
That a smile hits your face
When this column appears
Tuesday morn in this space
And maybe it will help you
Be a little bit wiser.
That's a holiday wish
From the Banking Adviser.
Mr. Nadler is a contributing editor of the American Banker and professor
